010. can i please stop talking about this already

I feel really dumb talking about the abusive relationship I was in cause I've been out for, what? Three years already? But it still affects me so much sometimes and I still think about it so much in the strangest ways, and it shaped so much of who I am now, and even though it ultimately was awful and traumatic, there were good times, too, and it's the longest relationship I was ever in (only relationship I was ever in LMAO) and blah blah. It's such an obvious point of reference for so many things in my life but I feel like such a broken record every time I talk about it to anyone and it's really embarrassing.


I say that to say: I'm moving in a couple weeks and I've been trying to pack, which means I inevitably reached the box under my bed where I have all my old journals. Which means I had to flip through a few of them and like, read through my old angst LOL.

But it's weird because some of them are more personal than others, some are intensely candid, some are performative. And I flipped through one that I had filled up while I was in that relationship and it's just amazing how honest I was being with myself about how shitty it was.

I know at the time that I would gloss over it to my friends so that no one knew how hurt I actually was all the time, and I know I made a lot of excuses. Even in this journal it's like, I won't say I was making excuses, per se? It's just crazy that I was so completely aware of how bad it was and my attitude was kinda like "*SHRUG* whateva let's see where it goes."

When it was going on I used to struggle a lot trying to decide if he was manipulating me. I usually came to the conclusion that he wasn't, not on purpose, and only because I didn't think he was smart enough to. I thought he was just dumb and selfish. But I read over some old entries and just, ugh. I know I had my eyes open at the time, I know I told myself he was too stupid to be manipulative and that it was just a coincidence and he was just being a dick, but fuck man. Being removed from it and reading over some of what happened as a timeline is really upsetting.

Like, I still can't say for sure if he was doing this shit on purpose, but. He could've been.

I think when we finally broke up, I was so heartbroken because I wanted him to be better. So much. So, so much. And I had this idea in my head of how good it would've been if he'd gotten his shit together. I was so heartbroken over the loss of potential more than anything else. And it was really hard to finally give up on him and really accept that he wasn't going to change.

That's the thing that still gets to me sometimes when I think about him. And fuck, it's just really exhausting to sit here and read journal entries from almost five years ago that were written by a person who still had faith in him.




Anyway.

I have some big life changes coming up in a few weeks (corresponding to aforementioned move) and I think I'll probably be using DW more to check in like this, longform. Hopefully it's not all about my shitty ex.

I swear like, it's not the only thing I think about! I swear I'm like. ALMOST COMPLETELY OVER HIM LOL. But I know several of the entries in this journal have been about him already and it's just that like, this is one of the only places I felt safe talking about it, because I'm so self conscious about how often it comes up with my friends and it just makes me feel really fucking stupid. It's not just that I'm still talking about it three years later, but it always makes me feel so stupid for getting myself into that situation in the first place.

011. End of the Year Survey~!

OH WOW, so until 5 minutes ago, I hadn't updated this blog since I did this survey last year. MY FUCKIN BAD. But this was an LJ tradition, I think I've filled this out every year since I was like 15?????? So let's continue!



1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?
WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR LIKE 6 WEEKS !! First time in my adult life wtf. Went to Disney World! Got an EKG. Got an epidural (and then other one!). Got wasted drunk on the Warner Brothers backlot. Won a settlement! Broke my glasses in a pit. Got to attend a record release party at Jose Mangin's studio.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions for 2018? Will you make more for 2019?
This time last year I was still reeling from my car accident and trying to pick up the pieces of my goddamn life and I wasn't about to make resolutions. All I wanted for 2018 was to keep my head above the water AND I LIKE, I GUESS I JUST BARELY MADE IT. It was genuinely the worst year of my fucking life, wowie.

So 2019? idk I kinda got my dream job that I've wanted since I was a teenager and I start on January 6th. I'm dying of anxiety cause I'm so paranoid that it's a terrible idea that I'll hate it and I was romanticizing it this whole time but I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT. So, resolution? Keep my chin up, do my best, make the most of this opportunity, take lots of photos. I'm gonna be going days at a time without wifi so I'm also hoping it'll be an amazing excuse to work on my fanfics (MAYBE EVEN MY NOVEL LOL) without the internet distracting me! Like The Shining. Get that shit DONE.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but my friend Raph got a new cat so that counts I think. =P

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Tumblr, RIP.

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