012.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Today is the five year anniversary of my friend Alex's death and it's really shitty!!!!!!!!!!


I feel like I wanted to say something but I'm too exhausted, I don't know what to say. I looked up the 7k LJ entry I wrote about her funeral and considered x-posting it here but honestly it's so fucking disjointed and ~ IT'S BAd WRiTING!! ~~~ so I'm like, nah we're good on this.

I mean don't get me wrong, it's definitely like an appropriate journal entry that I wrote while I was bawling and sleep deprived and it jumps around a lot because I was like freshly torn open and just trying to get all my thoughts out. But I guess it's gratuitous to resurface it at this point. After I reread it I didn't feel the need.


Highlights include:

- How guilty I felt that she OD'd and how we'd grown apart after high school cause she'd started doing drugs and I couldn't deal with it.

- How I felt like she was trying to communicate with me through the radio lmfao because Rooster by Alice in Chains came on while I was sitting in my car outside the funeral home and it started the exact moment I saw the casket come through the doors.

- How the whole situation felt surreal and how when we were kids she'd been a pathological liar so I kept feeling like it wasn't real, it was another lie, and that her body looked so awful and so unlike herself that even standing there over her dead fucking body still didn't make it feel real.

- How her mom latched onto me and sobbed and it ruined me.

- How I was blocked in after the burial and had to wait for other people to pull out and I sat in my car just fucking completely losing it and I felt so stupid cause I was there all by myself and had no one who could be with me and I didn't want anyone to see me crying my eyes out all by myself cause it was really lame and pathetic.




Anyway I miss her lol.